Retreat to Peace
Retreat to Peace
Empowerment Through Forgiveness: Taylor's Inspiring Journey of Recovery
Ever felt like you're trapped in a numbing routine, seeking external validation while neglecting your inner peace? Discover how our guest, Taylor, broke free from the pernicious cycle of addiction, trauma, and self-deprecation. Taylor takes us on an empowering journey, recounting her battle with addiction, her experiences with sexual assault and abuse, and her transition to a life of self-care, boundary-setting, and forgiveness.
Filled with profound insights, Taylor shares how she shed the damaging labels that once defined her. She illustrates the danger of the 'work hard, numb, hard' mentality prevalent in our society, emphasizing the importance of self-worth over external validation. You'll hear about her fear of change, the courage she mustered to step into the unknown, and the transformative power of forgiveness - towards herself and others.
In our conversation, we delve into Taylor's process of self-discovery, examining the significance of setting boundaries for personal protection and relationship preservation. We also discuss Taylor's approach to self-care, and the importance of recognizing and detaching from labels to pursue authentic self-growth. Be inspired by Taylor's journey, as she beautifully illustrates how to use your pain to serve others, emphasizing that we are all, indeed, enough. So, join us for this riveting episode, as you may find Taylor's story a beacon of hope and inspiration in your journey to peace.
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Hello, this is Retreat to Peace and this is Katherine Daniels, your host. I am sending a very special message out into the world today. I know a lot of us are touched by someone in our life who has an addiction and it seems that, the way of the world, there's more and more people that are turning to drugs and alcohol and various vices to escape what is happening in the world today. I wanted to take a moment and just talk through how intimate this is as far as what it is that we go through and how we go through it and navigate through it. So today I have a very special guest who shares with us her journey. She is a recovered addict and she shares with us a very intimate journey and how she had to give herself forgiveness, but not just herself, but other people. I think one of the things that happens is when we are in our journey, we lose sight of things, the small things, the small things that occur that maybe we just overlooked. And when we identify those small things, when you look back on them and how they add up and how they affect an individual, it can be really profound. I know for myself personally. I have been touched by many people as far as their addiction and various forms of addiction and have worked with them in regards to being suicidal, being in the depths of hell when they were in such a space that was dangerous for themselves, and I would encourage anyone and everyone if anyone is listening to this message today and you are suicidal, please, please, find yourself some support in your community and reach out for that support. You do not have to do this alone.
Speaker 1:A lot of times, people go through a variety of things in their life and they lose their way because they've lost their connectedness. Please, continue to reach out to other people. Especially now. It is important that everyone is staying connected to other individuals your family, your friends. Don't isolate yourself. Allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to invite someone in and allow them to help you. Life really is about this yin and yang concept where, when someone is feeling weak, there's someone else that can be your strength and give you the support and vice versa. I know currently there are several people in my life that are going through some really, really life-transforming things that are completely turning their lives upside down inside out and are changing their lives for what is to come in the years to come, and this moment is doing that for a lot of people. I've heard from many people about people that are moving, people that are leaving relationships, people that are reinventing themselves as far as what their life looks like. It's been a very unique space in the sense that people have been forced to go inward, and today, as part of the message of going inward, is this message of forgiveness, this message of not just forgiving oneself, but forgiving other people as well.
Speaker 1:One of the things that we talk about in our interview today is around boundaries, and for many people, this idea of boundaries is a difficult one. For a long time I know for myself I didn't live with boundaries. I didn't know what boundaries were, and I always said yes to everything and anything. If someone needed my help, even if it was a detriment to myself, I would say yes. I expended myself at everyone else's expense and eventually that got me to a place that I was not well. I had to relearn how not to do that, how to understand what I needed to protect myself from not being well.
Speaker 1:In a moment like this, think about how you're feeling, think about what kind of energies you're taking on with other people, think about what it means to be in the space that you're living in today. You don't need to reinvent or isolate yourself or succumb to a place that is not authentic to yourself or use vices. That is not going to be in your best self A lot of times. The best way to heal ourselves is to make the moment-to-moment decisions around healing, asking yourself the question is this something that is going to help me or heal me, or is this something that's going to hurt me? Many times, decisions are made based on information that may not even be true. So ask yourself when you're feeling challenged or you're not certain of something is this true? Because sometimes, if we ask that question, we might find that it's not necessarily true. Maybe it's true for you, but someone else's experience may look different.
Speaker 1:One time I had heard about two people standing across from each other and someone had drawn a number in between them. On one side, to one person, it looked like the number six and on the other side, to the other person, it looked like the number nine, and both people were arguing about whether it was a six or whether it was the number nine. In reality, what was in front of them was true for each person. You see, everything has subjectivity to it. What one person's experience is, it's just that it's their experience and it is true for them. Every individual has the right to that experience and to own that experience.
Speaker 1:If you are living in a space where your experience is unhealthy, look for ways to make it healthy. Look for ways to invite some energy that is going to be youthful and fun. Look for things that are going to make you happy. What does that mean for you? In this segment, when I talk to my guest speaker, taylor, she is this beautiful, radiant soul that has so much life and has been on this incredible, incredible journey, and she talks about how uncomfortable it was to go through some of these experiences, but how beautiful all of these experience had, manifested in such a way that it gave her permission to be who she is today, living even more authentically in herself in her heart space. Taylor's discussion around labels is also quite unique, and I also think that a lot of times, labels that are put on to individuals are never their own. They're usually something that someone else has given them. I know for myself.
Speaker 1:I lived for a long time with labels that were put on to me by adults in my life and I never understood during my childhood, in early young adulthood, why I had this nagging feeling, persistent nagging feeling of something that just didn't feel right, something that just felt off as far as what it was that I was experiencing For myself. I was constantly told, over and over and over, that I would never amount to anything. Well, that was a projection that someone tried to put on to me, to bring me down, and throughout my life I was constantly striving to show them. Quote unquote. It took me a long time to finally identify how that labeling was transforming my life. Even though I used it for good, it did a lot of negative in my thought process Because it drove me to do things that maybe I wasn't really happy about doing. Maybe it was more about trying to prove a point that I really didn't have to prove.
Speaker 1:It's interesting how we go through life and we pick up things and we don't really understand why at the time, and sometimes that's just personal growth in part of our journey, and sometimes we just need to understand that maybe that isn't for us, maybe that's something about somebody else who is insecure with their own place, with their own well-being. Isn't it said that when there's a finger pointing at you, there's three fingers pointing back. I'm not sure, but I know for myself. It took me a while to learn forgiveness over the fact that that wasn't for me, that was for someone else, that was part of their journey, part of their story. When we remove labels from who we are, it's really interesting because it changes the dynamics of everything. At three years old, I was locked in a closet by my mother and what I know is that when we are born, we come into the light, and when we die, we go into the light, and when we are in this in-between space, the labels are what are put onto us or how we identify ourselves. But we are not born with labels, nor do we leave with labels.
Speaker 1:So I invite you to listen to this incredible journey that Taylor brings us on, inviting us into her world and inviting us on her journey of how she finds forgiveness Forgiveness not just for herself, but for her father and her family. Taylor is an amazing individual that has literally, literally, transformed her entire life, just at a young age, just moving through what it is that makes her her best self and happy in the place that she's in. As you listen to her story, take it all in and understand that her heart is so genuine and so pure and for most of my interactions with anybody and everyone that I know personally and even through acquaintance, that when someone is going through addiction and has recovered from addiction, these people have literally been through hell and back. Their souls are so beautiful. Their souls are so beautiful and so special because they do understand what it means to live in a space of hell. They do understand this authenticity of having appreciation and gratitude.
Speaker 1:I personally have sat in a spiritual worship center with a community of recovered addicts whether they were drug addicts, alcoholics and one by one, they would go up in front of the group and share their testimony and how, in their darkest hour, how their higher power came to them and shared a message that was so profound that it made them change their entire life and a lot of those labels were just removed and the forgiveness that they had for themselves was so impactful and so powerful.
Speaker 1:And it really started with them. And it started also with this idea that their higher power was with them. Their higher power had always been with them and I would say to anyone who thinks that you're alone, you're never, ever alone. You always have the guidance of your higher power and people that love you and are praying for you and trying to help you and support you. Please allow them in. Please connect with your communities, please connect with your family, your friends and other individuals and, as always, please, moment to moment, every day, moment to moment, hour to hour, make a decision that is around health being your best self. Thank you for being with us today and I'm excited to jump into my interview with Taylor and, as always, please authentically live your life in peace and be gentle with your process, because everyone is growing, everyone is uncomfortable and it's okay to be in, so let's jump in with our interview with Taylor. Hey you, wherever you are in the world right now. Thank you so much for being here with me.
Speaker 1:We know that we live in some volatile times and we know that the world is changing, so let's create a bridge as we travel through one another's countries, removing all labels, coming together as one people, finding our home in one world. And as we do this, this is why our signature talk today having forgiveness during uncomfortable times is so important. And today I'm very excited to welcome my guest speaker, Taylor Martin Hi.
Speaker 2:Taylor Hi, thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 1:I am so excited to have Taylor today. She actually is coming to us from France and she's the daughter of addiction and a former member of the work hard, numb, hard society. Taylor knows the suffocating effects of addiction and fear. In a pursuit to find her authentic self, taylor removed all titles and affiliations to her name, becoming just Taylor. She allowed herself to journey around the world and live the life of her literal dreams. Her mission to inspire and to be inspired led her to forge new career paths as both a writer and a teacher. In her writings, taylor shares her triumphs and overcoming limitations created by her past of addiction, sexual assault and abuse. As a teacher, she coaches women globally on how to find and pursue their greatest potentials, showing them how to detach themselves from their defining labels so that they too can face their fears and become their truest selves. Taylor, this whole work hard, numb, hard society I'm sorry you're going to have to go back up and explain a little bit to the audience about what that means.
Speaker 2:Work hard, numb hard. You know it's really funny. I just got like incredibly emotional listening to my own bio. I think it's just like it was like a nice refresher of myself. The work hard, numb hard society. I think that it's very typical in American culture. We're taught to go, go, go, go go. Working more is producing more, and producing more and working more is a reflection of our value, not only to ourselves but to society and to the world as a whole.
Speaker 2:Because I couldn't find value within myself in any way, I really hated myself. The only way I could provide value was by working, and I worked all the time. I worked 90 hours a week, like on average, and then when I wasn't working, then I was numbing my pain and so I was getting very, very drunk. I was consuming a lot of prescription pills. I was not feeding myself, I was blacking out a lot. I was just any pain, all of the pain that I carried with me from my childhood and my college experiences, and as a young adult I numbed either by working or I numbed by using external forces, including men. I use men also to numb.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and then your process of removing labels. I mean, I'm sure part of that was just being associated with trauma and some of what you were going through. Is that right?
Speaker 2:Yeah, we don't know what we absorb. Parents don't know what they give to children We've talked about them before we don't know what we're giving or what we're teaching, and so what we may be teaching is family pride. The child may and this is what I did. My dad was teaching me being really proud of who we are, and what happened was I looked at the way that I look and I looked at my family and I was like I don't look like you all. There's something wrong with me. And then I looked at my family's education, my cousin's education and their SES status because they had more money than we did and I was like I don't fit in there either, like I don't fit in in any way. And so, in addition to like not looking and feeling like I matched my family, I also had like a lot of turmoil between my parents because they were both very ill and we had two broken people who took it out on each other physically and through addiction, and so, like my household was really chaotic and really there was just a lot. So like I felt like there always needed to be control and that I didn't have any control, and so that was something that was wrong with me and then I carried that through and in carrying those pains I absorbed other traumas, so sexual assault, addiction, domestic abuse and those kind of attached themselves to my worth and my labeling. So I was a victim and I was worthless and I was just a party girl and I was just just. But in all these just were just like reflections of not labels, of not being enough. And so I tried to do I just couldn't be, I couldn't let myself be what I wanted to be because I wasn't deserving of it.
Speaker 2:And then eventually that attached to like I'm Taylor, what is my value? How do I sell myself to other people? Because I can't really sell myself to myself. Well, I'm Taylor with this organization. I'm Taylor with this company. I'm Taylor, the fiance of this man. I'm Taylor, I own this. Like these are all the things I have. Look at all of my things and stuff, label, label, label. Do you find value in me? Yet, like, how can I sell myself to you?
Speaker 2:And I lost. When I lost them and when I felt like I had nothing was when I ultimately gained myself. I stopped caring truly about everything and I felt completely lost. And when I lost the I'm the fiance of because he canceled the wedding, and when I lost the well, this, when I realized like this is not my, this career is not my soul, so I'm not doing this anymore, and I decided to give up on that, and when I kind of just stopped caring because at some point we all kind of get low enough or we're just like I just don't care I went to a group of people and I was like I'm Taylor.
Speaker 2:It was like a group that I didn't know that I was traveling with and I just said I'm Taylor and normally, like everybody else is like I'm Taylor, I'm so-and-so and I'm an actress, I'm so-and-so and I'm a dentist, and I was just Taylor. And it turned. It was. It was like someone turned on a light in my head and I was like, oh, I'm just Taylor, that's it, that's it and it. And that was just like this really beautiful catalyst that sparked an entire life change. But it was just like that one thing of like I don't have anything, I'm just me. Oh yeah, I'm just me, and it was. It's like a ramp up, it's exciting, versus, not enough. For the first time in my entire life.
Speaker 1:I love this whole process of discovery because I feel like right now, in our current environment, there's so many people that have to go inward into those dark spaces and rediscover who they are and strip away all that external stuff that they define themselves with right. So I think you know everything you just said is so on point and it kind of gives everybody the permission just to be in their space and be okay with that. So I love that you're sharing that with us.
Speaker 2:Thank you really thank you and I know it's really hard in the beginning when you're so used to looking at your. I mean, especially with the pandemic there were a lot. I was stuck, not stuck, but I was totally isolated with myself and that was a gift 100%. I got to really heal things that like I thought that I had already healed and I did not. But there I know a lot of people who were with their partners or with their families, and those unresolved same thing like with myself but with other people those unresolved things start coming up and you're like what am I who? I'm so angry at you and I've been angry at you since like 1945, but I never told you and all these things.
Speaker 2:And we have the opportunity to just kind of just like, sit in it, which is what we have to do, but we avoid it. We don't sit in it and said we're like, oh, I got to go to work, oh, I got to go to the gym, oh, I got to go take Johnny to his piano lessons, but I don't have time to sit and do it. And then we're forced to look at it and it's like this big, ugly, heavy, million pound rock that we've been schlepping around. And when we look at it, it's really not even that ugly, it's just like it's so. There's so much depth, we can like stick our hand in it and we're like, wow, there's a lot of stuff in here that we didn't really know about. Like we look at our partner, our friends or our family and we're so focused on like you wronged me, you did this, you, you, you, you, you. And we never actually take the time to like look at ourselves and we're like well, what am I doing? Why am I? Why is this making me upset? Why am I contributing to the fire? Why am I feeling this fire so hard? Why am I carrying this torch? Why am I? What about me? What am I doing?
Speaker 2:And when we flip the lens and just look at ourselves which is what the pandemic has provided an opportunity for us to do we get to. We get to, we get to do our portion of the work. And it's not our responsibility and I think this is where a lot of relationships crack it's not our responsibility to make sure that somebody else does their work. Like, well, you're not showing up and you're not going to couples therapy and you're not, you're not, you're not.
Speaker 2:It's an opportunity for us to look inward and to take care and do our part. Because when we do our part and when we shed all that BS and when we really heal and it's so much, it's like it's just like so much for every human on the planet, like I know it. I'm like heavy feeling about it, but like there's so much. But when we do our part just to heal ourselves, it's cosmic how things kind of fall in line and it and it's once we quit focusing on anybody else outside of ourselves. But we don't know that we like our egos and whatever else external forces like trick us into thinking that we have to focus on everything around us. Sorry for all my gestures.
Speaker 1:Nobody can see your gestures. That are listening to it. But for the people that are listening to it, Taylor is in this beautiful setting. She's got this beautiful greenery behind her. She's got the water. You'll have to tell us again where you are exactly like with the water.
Speaker 2:I'm in Montpellier on the les la les. It runs. I don't know how far it runs. I knew that I actually knew the answer to that yesterday and today I've forgotten. But it runs pretty far and it's just like this really beautiful river. That is my everything. She is my soul sister.
Speaker 1:It is beautiful and you know everything about. It's very beautiful and serene and just very tranquil. So when we're going through this process, it's really interesting because I'm sure you have a lot to share with us in regards to what you did to yourself, in a sense, when you weren't forgiving of someone. Or you talk about these labels that were put onto you, but you kind of adopted those labels as well, right, because you didn't know any different, or you were, when you were young and you were developing and learning. This has kind of become part of your script that was in your head. So how did that affect you and I know you have this addiction but how did that affect you as far as causing you to find a way to disconnect from it and what did that do to you?
Speaker 2:I. So I looked at the labels and I looked at what those qualities like, what the qualities of a person with that label have, and that's what we like. I think that's what everybody does like. What are the qualities of a daughter? What are the conventional, according to convention and societal norms? What are their qualities of a daughter? What are the qualities of a woman who has been in, experienced domestic abuse to the degree that I didn't? And I think there's all forms of verbal abuse, eating disorder, whatever, like. What are the qualities of a person, or do I think those qualities of a person are?
Speaker 2:And the thing is like I was raised in a way that was like we weren't very wealthy but I was raised to think really pretentiously and so like in my head, a person who experiences the things that I experienced and the person who did the things that I did was just scum of the earth, just awful. It was like not even worth having a breath on the planet, and so like that's what I thought about myself. And when I looked at the qualities of the person that matched those labels and then my actual qualities, they didn't line up. Yes, I experienced domestic abuse, but no, I didn't like I didn't have those other qualities that, like I told myself that that person had yes, I am a party girl, but also like I'm incredibly spiritual, that, yes, I healed by doing substances, but also like I don't lie, cheat and steal and not that those are bad, those are all actions out of pain but like I had other qualities. It was like really confusing to me when I started looking at the qualities of the labels versus the qualities that I actually had and realizing that like we're so, when I realized that we're multifaceted, that there's no one way, one conventional definition of anything, it got even it gets more confusing. You're like what I can do this and that. Like what does that mean? How can I be this and that? But the reality is like we can be this and that.
Speaker 2:And when I looked at how all of these labels had prevented me from really living the way I wanted to live, I got like this gross feeling of shame and I asked myself what will I think about myself in 60 years? I'm on my deathbed. What does Taylor think about the life that she's lived if I continue to live the life that I've been living, the way that I'm living it? And that like feeling just like I almost vomited. It was just like fear, shame, regret nothing.
Speaker 2:You never, I never fully lived because I was so attached to what I thought society expected of me and I thought that I expected of myself. Except for that, I never had those fantasies Like I never, really I've never fantasized about being married. I've never fantasized about having a family when I was a little like never my entire life. The things that I fantasized about were like travel and adventure and becoming a writer and teaching and growing and like exploring and like really pursuing my curiosities and even like spirituality. Even as a little child like I really was into the idea of it, but I didn't understand that there were other options besides Christianity. I didn't know that at the time, and so when I started pursuing them and I started allowing myself just to do the things I was afraid of and it was a requirement of 2019, if you have never done it, you will do it. If you are afraid to do it, you're gonna do it anyways. If there is no guarantee that you will die, you are doing it and I did it, and every time I did something, it was like I shed another layer of skin and I realized I'm so much more capable than I knew if I the shell just like, kept me boxed in and it was so bizarre that, as those like well, a party girl and the last one was like my sobriety, like cause Taylor is like, I'm a party girl, I'm very social, I'm very fun, I'm loud, I'm also a Martin and we have I was taught like we are the life of the party and I've carried that my entire life and like now I'm 33, I was 32, when, like this, like well, is it possible to be a party girl and a Martin and sober, is that possible? Well, I don't know, but I don't know why I'm so. I've never tried, I've never done anything sober before. I've never been, I've never traveled sober, I've never dated sober, I've never done all these things sober. So I'm gonna try it and I am on my.
Speaker 2:I'm in my 11th month of sobriety and I was so afraid. I was afraid that I couldn't be loved. I was afraid I couldn't be social, I was afraid I couldn't handle pain. And let me tell you, as we all in the world know, of pain of 2020, cause it is a, it's been, we are unified by pain of this year. Experiencing pain and is the best soberly is the best, is truly the best remedy.
Speaker 2:I've been able to forgive people that I I could never have forgiven if I'd been drinking, and that's like. That's how it so. Like back to the original question like how did I deal with it? I've been able to look at a lot of the things on a lot of my actions, but I thought that I'd moved past and I've done a lot of things out of pain and I've done a lot of things out of sadness and a lot of things that, like, I'm not proud that I did them at all, and I've had to forgive that version of myself and tell myself that, like it's okay, cause I'm learning and I'm sharing my experience so that other people don't have to experience the same things that I experienced. Like that's my way of forgiving myself and forgiving other people who I know. I know that they're acting out of pain themselves.
Speaker 2:And I have the lens now, because I've forgiven myself. I have the lens to be able to say like you're acting out of pain, you don't know any better. If you knew better, you would do better, because that's the rule. My Angelou said, it over Winfrey says it. It's true when you know better, you do better. I'm able to view them with compassion, and just because I forgive them doesn't mean they have to be welcome in an active part of my life. I can say in my head to my higher power I wanna forgive them and release them and send them with love, and they don't. I don't have to interact with them. That's my choice. It's also like that's a very big part of forgiveness is like having healthy boundaries and allowing ourselves to love well.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you're part of your process, like the cycling that you kind of have gone through with the labeling and then trying to release that and shed that, like you said. I think that's really really hard for people to do because there's a lot of fear that goes into it. You've talked a little bit about that, a fear kind of not knowing who you will be on the other side and what that's gonna look like. A fear of being in unfamiliar space and territory where it's like will people still accept me in my new skin per se quote unquote and I think there's for a lot of people it's just easier just to be comfortable in their same space because that's what they know. So how do you bust through this fear factor where you're kind of like no whole bars, I'm just gonna go for it and I'm gonna try this and just know that it's gonna be okay on the other side?
Speaker 2:It's not. I think that that's. I think we think that it's like, well, we're jumping ahead first and we don't know if it's shallow or deep, and that's not how it is. It's very small, like when we do it like that it doesn't last. It's the same thing as like a diet or any sort of like drastic lifestyle change. When we go ahead first, we burn out quick. It's a slow burn, it's okay.
Speaker 2:Well, I know how I want this to look like and we can take like very specific scenarios. Like I know how I want my relationships to look like with my partner. I know how I want my relationship with my parent to look like. This is how it looks like now. What are the things that I can do? What are the situations that come up that really like fire it up and like I use my like. An example is like with my dad. Like my dad was a horrible alcoholic. We had a full blowout in 2017. I like I soberly attacked my dad because he was so intoxicated that he said he said things that like it just triggered me and that's not healthy and I knew it wasn't healthy. But because I use the excuse that family is obligated, then I put myself in unhealthy situations. And so I looked at the relationship and I'm like that's not how Taylor Martin shows up in anything. Taylor is not an attacker, taylor's not that angry, taylor doesn't do that.
Speaker 2:What do I want my relationship with my dad to look like? What does it look like now? And then, what can I do actively to address it? And it was very small, like okay, sorry, I'm not going to be there, because that's one thing that I can control, because I love my daddy so much. I love him so much for, like alcohols when he present and I'm not going to present. That was very easy. I didn't show up for a lot of things.
Speaker 2:And then the and then, like I was able to like okay, so like conversations mean that we can only do it in this timeframe because, like, these are the time frames that he's sober, and then, like that kind of change and that got really drastic and things still didn't like really work out. And so I was like, hey, daddy, not an ultimatum, just like, this is not healthy for me right now and I've got to work on myself. So we're going to take a little break from communication and I'm sorry if you don't understand, but like, this is about me, this is not about you, and remembering that, like, the way that we show up is about us, not about them. And that was really scary.
Speaker 2:But I started with what can I do to fix this very specific scenario? And it can be like with anything. It's like okay, well, I know that when I'm at work and I go to the coffee machine and that other person walks up, it makes me anxious because I don't like that person or whatever. Well, what can I do to control that I won't go to that coffee machine? I'm bringing my own coffee from work, from home. So, like very small steps of how can I protect myself? How can I protect myself? How can I protect myself? And then they lead to what's the next step? What's the next step? What's the next step? I don't know if those are good examples.
Speaker 1:I think they are, and it creates a process of putting boundaries in place. And part of putting boundaries in place is, to your point, you have to find ways to take care of yourself. And it's not always about the other person, it's about you. And it's that inward process of having that choice where there's been many times in your life you didn't have the choice, like how, these things, these labels that were put upon you necessarily weren't yours, they were given to you by someone else. So that makes perfect sense. What other kind of boundaries would you use? You know these small incremental boundaries, but what other boundaries would you use just to help you to heal?
Speaker 2:I use boundaries. Every relationship has boundaries I have to. I mean boundaries of myself, like and I guess all boundaries are boundaries with ourselves. The thing about boundaries is like we have to remember that boundaries ebb and flow. As we ebb and flow, so like sometimes I'm really mentally well, sometimes I'm thriving and I'm not. I don't have a lot of like other external forces and so like I can tolerate more, we can tolerate more, and so like we can maybe deal with a friend. That is always the catastrophic. In a way, that's different. But when we start feeling like ourselves, myself, like if I feel like there's a little bit too much fluctuation, there's too much happening in my personal life, maybe I like I'm just not as available to another person, the way that I am when I'm feeling good, or alcohol for me was like a really big one, like my boundary with myself with alcohol.
Speaker 2:And I'll be totally honest, this weekend was really hard for me and I've committed previously. I committed oh, this is a very good example I committed to exactly one year of sobriety. I was like October 16th 2020, I'm gonna start drinking again. Well, this past weekend I had so much internal fluctuation, I was determined to drink, I was headstrong. And when I took a walk and I calmed down, I said you know what? I haven't evolved enough yet, because I've had so much, because I've had so much anxiety that I wanna drink this badly. I'm not going to drink again. It's no longer October 16th, it's going to be when I know exactly where I'm going to live for one year minimum. And that doesn't mean that I'm gonna immediately start drinking whenever I find that out. But that's just like a new barrier of like you know what, when Taylor's in fluctuation of homes, taylor's not okay, and so that means that Taylor has to have a boundary around alcohol.
Speaker 2:And that felt, it was like I felt so good about that boundary and I was like in tears and so like yes, yes, yes, like way to show up for yourself, way to set boundaries around that, boundaries with work. Like no, americans have a crazy work ethic I don't quite understand. Like if I'm around Europeans and they're like 35 hours is a lot of hours and I'm like 35 hours is barely a part time job, but that's not true, but like that's like what they think, and so observing it and saying and watching these people have two hour lunch breaks and having enjoyable afternoons and leisurely outings and like evenings that last forever and no one's like really, really. It's just that the culture is totally different and I can look at myself and say you know what, like I get to have work boundaries If I get to my purpose in life is beyond just my monetary means, and that is incredible.
Speaker 2:That is incredible because nature is really important and being in it sometimes involves work but sometimes doesn't. You know, like having that balance, that's a really like, that's a boundary. I think that those are and I don't know. I have a lot to like. I don't wanna. I'll ramble, you know I will.
Speaker 1:So having forgiveness during uncomfortable times. I think part of that is just having forgiveness for yourself. Part of that is also having forgiveness for other people. How do you practice forgiveness?
Speaker 2:I have to forgive myself every day. I have to forgive myself every day and with everybody it's different. So I journal every single day and every single my journal is gratitude. Intention may I I am, and gratitude is just like what I'm grateful for, and sometimes like I'm just grateful to have breath. And then today, for example, like I'm really grateful for the people who have served me, including the people who have served me who have caused me pain, because from the pain I have grown so much.
Speaker 2:That doesn't mean that like I really wish that I could go back to that time where I thought that I was going to die by the hand of my partner.
Speaker 2:Like I don't wish that I could go back to that, but I'm grateful that I overcame that experience and that I dropped that victim mentality that I had from it. And I'm grateful that I had people around me that were strangers, that lifted me up and said you are strong enough to leave the situation, come walk with us. I'm so grateful because that there ended up being a window of opportunity, as all very challenging things do, and so in my finding opportunity from the pain, I am able to forgive that man. Same thing with my rape, same thing with my sexual assault, same thing with the actions that I have committed. All the time I have to look back and think like, okay, had I not, then this wouldn't have happened, then this wouldn't have happened, then this wouldn't have happened and I would not be sitting here with you on the list. And so finding the opportunity in the pain allows us to forgive, I think, allows us to forgive, and sometimes we have to forgive over and over and over and over and over again, and that's okay because we're growing.
Speaker 1:And part of that, too, is understanding that it is a mindset, it is a choice, but people aren't always going to change at your pace or change with you. So identifying that, I think, is important as well. But then also, you know, using your boundaries to protect yourself and taking care of yourself. What do you say to people right now in the world that are, you know, feeling a lot of discontent because it's so uncomfortable, the space that they're living in is so uncomfortable, and that could be just the way of the world. It could be a personal relationship with somebody in their life and they're just really having a hard time with that forgiveness process. What's your advice for them?
Speaker 2:Sit in it, it's like it's awful, it's horrible. But to sit not necessarily stew or dwell, because that's different Dwelling is unhealthy. Dwelling is an attachment to the pain. It's as if, and we absorb that pain and it becomes a part of our identity and we carry it with us through our generation, but also we pass it on to other generations and we pass it on to other people. Dwelling is very unhealthy.
Speaker 2:But to feel the actually just sit in the pain and just just feel uncomfortable, not with, not with any external substances, and then, when we're feeling it, just get to know it, like why does that hurt me so badly? Why am I still holding onto this? What could I, what can I do within myself to release that? And a lot of times it's just looking at somebody with compassion. But we have to be able to look at ourselves with compassion and we have to really feel the pain instead of just like brushing it off. And it's weird because, like you know, you've you can hear people who, like their pain becomes their identity and that's all they have to talk about. It's like, well, you know me and I don't know. Did I tell you that I had this? Did I tell you that I have this and I like, and you're like, yes, you've told me that every time I've met you, it your name is Steve and you lost your foot in 1945. Yes, you've told me, and we've known each other for 45 years and yet you keep on telling me this, like I understand this, but could that have served you in any way? Like, can we, can we move past this? You know I'm and apologies to any Steve from 1945 who lost their foot Like, I am sure that it's traumatic, but it's, we can move past it and we can use the experience to serve others and we can.
Speaker 2:I don't know, I don't know. It's forgiving is hard and feeling it is hard and nobody wants to feel uncomfortable. It sucks, it really sucks, but like it, it's. So the feeling after you've let it go is so incredible and it's so great and it's so. I don't know what the word, what's this word? I don't know what this word is, but like, it's just like.
Speaker 1:Taylor's throwing her arms up in the air for the audience who can't see her.
Speaker 2:What the word is, but like it's that, it's like. It's like an internal amplification of like, of light and gold, when you're able to fully allow yourself to detach from that that pain. And sometimes you have to do it every single day, but like it's still like it's. You get to have that feeling every single day. It's so lightning, it's wonderful.
Speaker 1:I think part of the process, too, is just recognizing what it is that you're feeling. So when you know, you talk about sitting in it and it's like if you're, if you're sitting in it and you're getting familiar with what that feeling is. The next time that it emerges you recognize it and you can identify it. But then do you continue to hold onto it or do you imagine that it's a balloon and you just release it? And if you can imagine it's a balloon and release it, then you're letting go, and if you can let go, then it just changes everything, right. So, but I think you're you're absolutely correct in saying that compassion is so necessary, so necessary, just to be compassionate to every human, especially now, because with everything that's happening around the world, there's so many people that are living in a state of psychological trauma or they're living in a state of grief, and all those stages of grief are very different, you know. So if you, if you're dealing with someone who's very angry, or someone who's depressed, or these different things that you know evolve with grief, having compassion for that individual is going to change how you respond, how you're going to respond to them. But if other people can be compassionate with you as well, because you're not always going to be on, you're not always going to be at a capacity where you can handle every situation that's coming your way. So if people could be more gentle as far as how they're working with other individuals, I think it would just help the world. So so much.
Speaker 1:And I know I know, with our audience listening to this, if there's one thing that you can take away from this particular segment, having forgiveness is just so empowering. It's really, really empowering and, taylor, you have been remarkable in sharing the empowerment and how beautiful that empowerment unfolds, and you're a testament of how it unfolds and how it creates a new version of you, right, and that's something that everybody can have. So it's really beautiful. I have one more question, as you sit by this beautiful river and in this beautiful setting, before we let you go, and I wanted to ask you, taylor, if I were to find your earth angel feather on the ground and I were to pick it up, what would your message to the world be?
Speaker 2:You are enough. You are enough, that's 100%. That's amazing.
Speaker 1:Taylor, I am so filled with gratitude for the time that you shared with me today and just being here and being part of this humanitarian effort to spread messages around the world of hope and inspiration and really give people an opportunity to find a safe way that they can heal right and your sobriety. I'm so proud of you and I know you want to change your date from October 16th 2020 to something else, but I just congratulate you because every day, moment to moment, it's a celebration for you. So, on behalf of myself and so many others, I just want you to know I'm very, very, very proud of you for doing that and just taking that moment to moment decision and making it the best one for yourself. So congratulations on that.
Speaker 2:It is. You know, I don't know like if anyone in your audience is thinking the new popular tremor is so curious, but like it is. Yeah, thank you, it's 100%. Just like every day I get to choose, and it's not when we get wrapped up in forever, that's when we get terrified. It's the same as jumping head and the deep end, but it is. It's just moment to moment. And when we make, when we choose ourselves like the best thing for ourselves in the moment, the moment after is the empowering just feels just as good as forgiveness, just amplifying all the time. Thank you, thank you for your support. That means a lot to me.
Speaker 1:You're welcome. No, it's really important and I think it's important to address it. So I just need to make a note of that, because I know you had given a specific D and I just kind of wanted to undo that for you, because, as much as it is a milestone and a mile marker for you, I think every day is a mile marker and a milestone. So so I just encourage you to, you know, live in that space and embrace it, and you know, know that there's people that are cheering you on as well. So, so, anyway, that is all we have time for today. This is Catherine Daniels, from Retreat to Peace and reminding you just to live your authentic life with peace, and we will see you next time. We'll see you next time.